Jacob: Hey, Ikaika!

Ikaika: Yes, Jacob?

Jacob: I just wanted to tell you how darned much I like you. I'm so glad you're in this band with me. And that we're BFF.

Ikaika: You *did*?

Jacob: Oh, yeah. Hey, I have to go write a song for Ashley to sing lead on.

Ikaika: What???... Oh, I get it. It must be...

Jacob and Ikaika: The Introduction to the Opposites!

Starring O-Town:
Ashley "Bad Boy" Angel as the Machiavellian Plotter
Dan "What's a Sweater Vest?" Miller as the Cute One Everyone Talks About
Erik "500 IQ" Estrada as the Smart One
Trevor "Nice Hair" Penick (sp?) as the Ladies' Man
Jacob "Mother Theresa" Underwood as the Sweet One

special guest appearance by Ikaika "Still in the Band" (Insert Last Name Here) as That Guy Who's Still In The Band

Scene: The O-bode (tm Heathen)

Jacob sits and strums his acoustic guitar. He's busy playing his very favorite group, Peter Paul and Mary. Oh, and he's not singing nasally. Not at all. Erik and Ashley sit on the couch and argue.

Erik: Ashley, it's just not feasible!

Ashley: But I *want to*!!! Jacob, tell Erik I should get the lead part on every song!!

Jacob: Erik, Ashley should get the lead part on every song.

Erik: Jacob, you're such a tool.

Jacob:[bursts in to tears] Why do you have to be so meeeaaaan? You know I'm afraid of Ashley! He hits me!

Ashley: Shut up, Underwood! You would never have gotten in to this band if it wasn't for me! Bwahahahahaha!

Erik: Frankly, I find you both childish. But at least Jacob's not self-centered. God, Ashley, you are such a princess!

Ashley: I am *not*!! I'm just the best singer and dancer ever and I'm going to rule the world!!

[enter Dan, with his shirt partially ripped off.]

Dan: Damn. The girls were *all over* me out there! I couldn't keep them away! Luckily I have security guards. They ripped the shirt right off of me!

[outside: girls scream and sob for Dan "the man" Miller.]

Jacob: That must be weird. I'd hate having that kind of attention.

Ashley: Me too. I'm glad I'm not the cute one. This way I have more time to plot... I mean, sing.

Jacob: Want to hear the new song I'm writing? It's called "how to end world hunger, girl."

Ashley: Shut up! Just shut up! If you're not talking about me, then shut up!

Jacob: [bursting in to tears again] I'm sorry! I'm really, really sorry, Ashley! Don't hate me!

Erik: Has anyone seen my copy of the Wallstreet Journal? I need to find out how my tech stocks are doing.

Dan: I'm off to do something witty, urbane and interesting.

[exunt Dan. Girls rush in to the house after him, and are carried off, sobbing, by security.]

[enter Trevor. He has small, normal hair. He is on the phone.]

Trevor: He said *what*? Ride the... Good lord. Dump that guy! Dump anyone lame enough to refer to himself as a "train!" Hang on, I have call waiting.... Hey, honey! Yeah, I missed you too. Luckily, I sent you flowers in a non-obsessive and pathetic way! Aren't you glad I'm the world's most perfect boyfriend?

Ashley: Gee, I wish *I* was good with the ladies...

Jacob: Don't worry, Ash, I'm sure they love you, too.

Ashley: Shut up, Justin.

Jacob: My name's Jacob!

Ashley: Whatever. Shut up.

Jacob: [quiet sniffling.]

[exunt Trevor, still on the phone.]

[enter Ikaika. His hair looks good. No, for real. Damn it, if Jacob can be nice, Ikaika can have good hair.]

Jacob: Hey, Ikaika! I'm so glad they made the band a 6 person thing so you can be in it! I mean, I threatened to quit if they didn't let you stay.

Ikaika: I'm glad, too! Hey, Jakey, I just wanted to make sure you and I are still on to hang out all this weekend.

Jacob: Of course! You know there's no one I'd rather spend time with! We're totally best friends -- in a non-gay way, of course -- 'cause you're so nice! And your brother's so cool, too.

Ikaika: You know, I always knew we'd be best friends.

Ashley: Dammit! Timberlake, come shine my adidas! I can't see my face in them!

Jacob: Yes sir!

Ikaika: You know Ashley, you should really be nicer to Jacob.

Ashley: Why? Like he could ever touch me. [Smacks Jacob upside the head as he shines his shoes.] Faster, bitch! I have a online conference with Fidel in 20!

Jacob: Yes sir!

[Shines furiously. Enter Dan, waving a letter in the air.]

Dan: Hey! You guys! I just go an offer from Prada to walk the runway for their new Spring line.

Jacob: That's great Dan. I'm so happy you're getting the opportunity to get individual exposure away from the whole group atmosphere.

Ashley: Shut up, princess! [Reaches out and grabs the letter from Dan's hands.] Dammit! Someone get me Lou on the phone!

Dan: What's wrong?

Ashley: You sniveling little bitch, I had it written in *my* contract that only *I* get to do individual modeling gigs. I might not be the pretty one, but I will be the overexposed one no matter what! It's all part of my plan!

Dan: But! But! It's Prada! And you know I only wear designer, long sleeve, solid color all natural fiber clothes!

Ashley: What. Ever. Lou! Lou!

[Stomps out of the room, stepping on Jacob's hand as he goes. Ikaika bends down to help Jacob up. Dan looks forlorn in the corner, as he opens a book of essays by Oscar Wilde.]

Ikaika: Jesus man, I don't know how you can let him treat you like that.

Jacob: Like what? I like doing nice things for others, especially Ashley. I mean, I wish that I could be as business minded as he is. I wish I was as attractive as Dan or as smart as Erik or as good with women as Trevor. And I especially wish I could dance as well as you Ikaika. [At this point the lights dim to a single spotlight on Jacob.] I'm just the loser in this teenybopper boy band. It's been my life long dream to be in a boy band and now, I don't even know why I'm here. I just don't know! [Begins sobbing into his hands. Lights back up.] I promised myself I wouldn't cry today. I promised I wouldn't let it get to me today. Just one day. That's all I want!

[Ikaika holds Jacob close.]

Ikaika: It's okay, man. I'm here. I'm so glad that I listened to my completely supportive brother and girlfriend and joined this boy band instead of going to med school. And I know why you're here. Because even though you might not be smart or talented or attractive in any way, you're good at being Jacob. And you make all of us look more compitent in comparison.

Jacob: Really?

Ikaika: Yeah. And that's why I love you, in a strictly non-gay fashion.

Jacob: Do you think we could go to the studio and you could help me with my dancing now? I'm a little shaky on TyJuan's new dance he taught us.

Ikaika: Of course!

[The two exit. Erik, who was sitting at the computer, stands suddenly.]

Erik: I did it! I did it! I doubled our earnings with a single click! [Picks up his cell phone and dials rapidly.] George? Hey, it's Erik! I know you told me not to invest in the NASDAQ, but Qualcom just went sky high! Man, you're one shit ass broker! You're fired! [Clicks cell phone off.] We'll never have to perform again! No longer am I a member of some inane boy band! I need to call my completely functional, still married biological mother and father now and inform them of the good news! I can finally pursue my dreams of law school now!

[Straightens his tie and picks up his brief case, exiting to the left. Trevor reenters, his hair even smaller than before, with a whole harem of women following him. Of course, when they see Dan in the corner, they run to him and rip off his new shirt, revealing the most amazing body in the world. Trevor looks happy for him. Dan stops sulking and leaves for some "group play" time with the of-age groupies, which will of course be followed by Dan reading them his thesis on the Ubermensch and his significance in modern day culture. One girl enters from the same direction as Trevor and walks up to him, slipping her hand inside of his. She's gorgeous.]

Trevor: Hey.

Girl: Hey.

Trevor: So?

Girl: You're the best boyfriend ever, Trevor.

Trevor: Baby, you could write a song with lines like that.

Girl: Will you sing to me Trevor? I love your perfectly on key, all the time voice. It makes me want to [whispers in his ear.]

[Trevor smiles devilishly and they exit, him singing the most intelligent, on key, prefect song ever written.]

You two need a hobby, you know that?