I had a busy morning (doctor's appt and a job interview and handing in two finals) so I forgot to eat. This happens to me pretty regularly, actually. Around 3:30 I started feeling really lightheaded, so I went downstairs and made some risotto from a box and decided to crash on the couch until I felt less shaky.

Bad decision. 'Cause you know what's on from 3:30-5:30? Nothing. That's what. I just watched total crap! So of course I'm going to share.

Rachel's Report on the State of Pop Culture:

Dismal.

I spent a lot of time flipping past TRL. Destiny's Child were on. I hate them. I mean, yeah, I get the songs stuck in my head like everyone else, but I just hate them. They were wearing these blue fringey cowboy slut outfits. Not cowboy slut in a good way, like Madonna, but cowboy slut in a bad way. The only fun thing about them was the fact that Kellymichelle (I refuse to learn who's who) got TRL to play MC Hammer's U Can't Touch This. Which I realize with some horror none of the kids in the TRL audience had ever seen before.

I miss me some gold lame parachute pants. Hammer time!

Anyway. The countdown. I'm horrified to admit I like Limp Bizkit's song "My Way." But I do. I still, however, find him in absolutely no way attractive. Ewwwwwwwwwww.

I'm pretty sure Sarah Michelle Gellar is in the band Dream. No, for real. And L3W? Or LW3? Totally interchangeable with Dream. And Eden's Crush. I think they only have one song and they're passing it from band to band and then back again and again.

The number one video? (O-Town ranting alert. You've been warned, damn it.) O-Town, "All or Nothing." The fuck? This is the Worst. Video. Ever!! It's not good! It's bad! Very, very bad!

Okay. So in this video apparently Ashley just broke up with Shelli.... Oops, I'm sorry, "an actress why looks exactly like his real ex-girlfriend Shelli." Because that's subtle. So they're driving around in slow motion for no apparent reason. And Dan is emoting. *shudder* Then Erik emotes. On stage. Then Trevor emotes. Then Trevor's afro emotes. Then Jacob in God's Worst Hat plays guitar for Erik. I don't know why. Then Trevor hugs Ashely. Meanwhile they're playing the dullest concert of all time, and Ashely's wearing this undone-tie-blue-shirt thing that's so 1989 it makes me cry, and then finally, finally in the second damn verse Jacob shows up, but he's just singing Erik's part with Erik, and ... Well, apparently the guys have kicked him out of the O-Bode, 'cause he's homeless. He only gets to sing for three seconds and then he gets kicked off stage.

There's this moment where Trevor looks all longingly at Ashley and kind of sighs. And that's a beautiful moment. Trevor is a lonely, lonely man with a very sad train. That's what this video taught me.

The rest of the video blows, however. Ashely looks sad. Or maybe it's meaningful. Have you ever noticed he has only one expression? It's fetching and all, but jeez, Ashley...

I went looking for a picture of Jacob's homeless shirt. I'll find one eventually. Here's what I learned from finding 2000 group pictures of them:

• Jacob is the shortest by about three inches. And it makes him look like the pouty little brother.
• Even when Dan is in the pictures, you just don't notice him. Was he in that last picture? I don't know, and neither do you. Be honest.
• Jacob looks much worse now, but dresses better. Odd. (Not the hat, naturally. The hat is an act of defiance toward God.) Actually, that first picture is just odd anyway.
• They should never wear shiny clothes. I can't stress this enough.
• I know why the final five guys made the cut. Checkitout. Jacob is sunny little Justin Jr., Ikaika manages to look human, Ashley's pretty, Erik.... Well, he's a moron, and he looks like a moron. And Trevor's all 1988 over there. But jeez, look at the alternatives. Well, except the guy in the very back. For god's sake...

I'm listening to the Beastie Boys' Hello Nasty to cleanse my soul.

Admit it; you think Jacob's microphone flip is a little cool