They did a 24 month calendar. Sadly, it will be around longer than they will.Rachel is in blue and Becky is in purple  I wanna slap him.me too I don't know why. and his stupid face! yeah. do you ever just wanna smack ashley and his stupid face? yeah. he looks all smug! I think that's the point. or something. the point is for him to be smug? well.... he's all blond... and.... smarmy! he *is* blond and smarmy. I think smarmy has a 'y'. I just wanna smack him! Make his stupid face go away now!  He's... "soulful"
he's gonna cry, and I just want to slap him harder. and his shirt! it's all knitted! and should boys wear that much lip gloss? no. no they shouldn't. he's got those high cheekbones. you could cut cheese on his cheekbones. ::laughing:: I wonder how long it took him to get his hair to look that rumpled? they stylist probably had it all pretty, and then he took the comb and was like, "no! me!" meee! I'm pretty!"  Dan, you're not attractive.
he's like a vampire, looming over us. (long.... pause....) God, he's even boring in pictures! And are we supposed to believe he's outside? because I don't! It's like the backdrop in your third grade picture, where you have a choice between trees and pretty flowers. Except the pretty flowers were realer. stupid dan. and he can't even pull off the unbuttoned shirt look. nope. icky. it's sexy on everyone. but not dan! ... well, or erik or trevor, I guess. probably also not ashley. well, ashley's not "sexy" so much as "a manly butterfly."  ....and he's NOT in a broadway show!!
no, I think he is. I think he's providing the backstage lighting. the glare off his teeth! that's what I'm saying. he's just! he's not! make him stop singing! see, that's the whole goal. well, we could always give his parts back to jacob.  aaaah!!
ok, his shirt buttons on the *side*. That's such a fashion don't, it has it's own zip code in the yellow pages book of fashion don'ts! can we move on? quickly? and giant lips! and bad bad hair. and a mustache. can we move on *now*? the... buttons... it... ihhhhhhh.... yeah, let's move on.  ::laughter::
Moving on. no no no. we have to point out that he's just seen mittens! ::more laughter:: ohhhh, erik  he's....
a girl? see, that necklace? that's a "no no". and that shirt? no. No! Because no! Do you see where I'm going with this? and the earrings also don't help the "jacob's not a girl" rumor. he still has those! ... see, he... he has a poutie hoodie! and it works for him! but this is not working on any level. except the "we want gay men to like this band leve." gay pedophiles. he's only four. good call. For jacob, though, that's a pretty realistic smile. by which you mean smirk? well, yeah, it's jacob. at least he's not pouting. or giving that fake smile.  pouting! toy guitar!
he's all... "I actually know how to play..." He's all kieth partridge is what he is! 'cause... 'cause he's all, "I'm not this gay four year old with a toy guitar! 'cause I can play!" and he really needs to not have that pirate shirt! oh God, it's the Sienfeld poofy shirt. I just... Now I miss the black shirt with the naked women on the sleeve. How sad is that. gay pirate. I'm sorry. he's all sarah goldman here! oh, Jacob. I hate to say it, but bring on the dreds. (dreads. hee! sorry.)  ohhh, trevor.
::laughter. shrugging. laughter.:: it's... he has a train. and no one's on it. thank God for that. multiple earrings in one ear. I got nothing. Oh, trevor... ::sad little sigh::  he's not outside!
he's in women's workout clothing! are... are we to believe he's looking at something? because I don't believe it. I just don't! maybe he's looking at women, who he wants to ride the train, but knows won't? but that's not the train face. which is every face. which is why I don't believe it. he's pretending to be superman! so he's pretending to be ashley? or joey fatone? no, I think he's waiting for ashley to jump him. ew. yes. moving on. chugga chugga? ::long pause:: ... ew  stop touching jacob!!! and man, does jacob look unhappy about it.
ashley's all, "hi, I'm here too!" "I'm in this picture, too! aren't I pretty?" trevor's ears stick out funny there. I can't get past that. and he's touching jacob! oh God! no one... no... no trevor touching jacob! do you think Janie saw that and was like, "awright, now you're washing with disinfectant soap before I visit!" so is Erik sir-not-appearing-in-this-calendar? fine with me.  oh, good lord, there he is again! and now every time I see jacob and how short he is, I think of Nicole's "such a little Princess he is!" ok, and erik? looks like a mafia boss.
and dan's all, "HI! I'M HERE!!!!" ...his teeth. they frighten me! see jacob's smug face? that's cause he knows he looks better than the rest of them. stupid jacob.... except for ashley and his smug face. which I want to slap again, now. word.... nope, still stuck on dan's scary teeth. see, trevor's ears? they stick out again. I think maybe this is why he grew the fro; so no one could see how badly his ears stick out! then explain erik's! ears or hair? explain his existence! and why it's necessary! well, we're so witty, someone else had to be born to balance us out. was that mocking us or him? it had better be him. dan frightens me. something's wrong with trevor's pants! ewwwwww! ::much laughter. and scared snickering. very, very scared:: let's make it go away now! (skip one that's been snarked upon)  see! that's the jacob is four one! aw, he's the little brother! he's! shwmwerww! I can't even talk about Jacob in that picture, because he's four! it's his baby picture! ok, but trevor? touching ashley *and* jacob. and looking pretty happy about it if you ask me. ashley looks like that guy in high school that you hated. I want to slap him again. always. dan, with the vampire teeth... and the bad! striped! pants! jacob... the shirt is... I know. It's too big for him. It's all big and smoopy. ::giggles:: It *is*, I don't know what you *want* from me! and erik is... huge, actually. he's twice the size of everyone else. he's ashley and trevor put together. of course, that's an image I didn't need.... ew. and also, ew. and also, that's trevor's dream. wet dream. "liquid" dream, rather. (skip snarked upon pic)  dan's TEETH!!! haven't we already seen that one? we've seen it! ... I think ashley stole jacob's hoodie! jacob's hiding behind erik and his hugeness. he does that a lot in photo shoots... they shouldn't wear matching clothes. they're not NSYNC. Though Jacob *is* Justin. yeah, jacob is going into Justin--ew--he's *becoming* Justin Timberlake. Sorry. It's late....  aaah! so... close... to O-Town!
jacob's smiling! that's a fake smile. that's what I said earlier about the smug smile. 'cause this one is fake. and trevor's all... "sultry" you know why trevor's got that look? check out where ashley's touching him. neep! dan and erik have the same fixed stare of fright. or maybe that's me who's frightened. but still. at least we can't see dan's teeth. thank you, God. but he's still got that, "Look at me!! I'm HERE!!!" vibe well, that's cause no one does. can you picture how badly his solo album in fifteen years will sell? it'll be called, "look at me! I was in O-town! I swear! ... not NSYNC, O-town! Really!" I like ashley's sweater. me too. now I feel dirty. It makes me want to slap him that I like the sweater. everything makes you want to slap him. it's kai's fault.  now they're really far away!
that's ok... is jacob wearing ashley's sweater?? dear God. He is. ok, that shot right there? the closest I've ever come to finding erik attractive. which is still a negative 15 on a scale of 10. but I like his shirt. ashley thinks he's superman. and trevor.... ashley and trevor are back to back here, people. there's something going on... look how embarassed jacob is to be in this photoshoot. awww. that's almost endearing. see, we find his poutiness endearing. he should help us write for the page. he hates the band, too! and dan is still, "Hi! I'm here! These are my teeth!" but his shirt is the same color as the background, so all you can *see* is his teeth. (riffed on another one. we think. oh well, skipping it anyway.)  dan's really...
really... and trevor's shiny pants are so distracting in a bad way. see, that's an attempt to make jacob seem taller. but it doesn't work because he's very, very small. teeny! dan is really trying to not be in the picture. he's like a frog. ... erik's shirt. it hurts. ashley and trevor are back to back again. ewwww. with the *touching*.... I wish nicole was here. she'd make a nasty joke. we're too nice. insert nasty joke here. no, wait, insert "insert" joke here. ha! ... and ashley has his sweater back.  aaaah! erik's sweater... it gaps at the shoulder! and dan... he's evil! and they're having nasty gay sex and make it stop!
ewwwwwwWWWWWWwwwww. ew! oh, I just *can't*... moving on. quickly.  it's like they're the beatles. and they forgot dan.
they weren't going to put dan in the picture, because there were four beatles, but dan was all, "I'm here toooooo!" not that they're in any way actually like the beatles. we *like* the beatles. this is the first picture where jacob has looked vaguely attracted. he's still twelve, but he's a vaguely sexy twelve year old.... ew. and look at erik's pouty lips! ewwww! yeah. and trevor's many earrings. ashley's blond hair sticks out so badly. yeah, from his non-blond roots.  it's like... campfire O-Town.
Jacob has ashley's sweater again. no, I think erik does. (argument ensues.) dan is STILL, "hi, I'm here!!! my TEETH are here!!" and again, with the blending into the background. his hand on erik's shoulder looks all disembodied, like Thing. And why are they all in baby blue except dan? christ. to make Jacob feel better about his justin timberlake thing? also, dan and erik with the *touching* again. So! Much! Gay! Sex! it's like, jeeze, guys. I know you're lonely with no girlfriends, but... ew! of course, that doesn't explain jacob and ashley, does it? they're all wearing baby blue except dan so it looks like dan's not there! dude, you're obsessed with dan's not being there. yeah. it amuses me. suuuuuure. shut up. does he have a necklace or a rope tied around his neck? erik? a necklace. I *wish* it was a rope.  ::laughter::
jacob does *not* want to be there at *all.* not only is he pouting, he's pouting and he's leaving! he's so about to jump off the car and run away! trevor's got that look again. and dan is still not there! where... oh, there's dan! erik and trevor are giving similar looks and I want them to stop. I think I can sue them now. I feel so dirty. ashley is pretty gross, too. he just makes me feel icky. he makes ME want to slap him. yeah, we know. ::more giggling:: I wanna run away with jacob now! 'cause he's twelve! you wanna run away with the twelve year old? yeah, we'd have fun. we'd paint our nails, and talk about how much boy bands suck. 'cause we're all mature and shit. 'cause we're *twelve*. hee! (last one is snarked already, so... we're done! yay! yay!) You know you want to slap Ashley. Send us email! Cut your hair, Jacob. |